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suck it out 

Settle in kids, and let’s play pretend…

Imagine if you will, sitting outside, not bothering anyone, just you minding your own business. The breeze is blowing, the temperature perfect, sun shining down kissing your skin with the perfect amount of warmth.

With no warning and out of nowhere, you’re assaulted! You don’t even see your attacker, couldn’t predict what was now a full-on rage against you! Suddenly, flailing your arms, you’re shouting “NONONONONONONONONONO!!!!” You try to escape, succeeding only with running frantically in circles, temporarily blinded by the buzzing in your ears taking over your brain, paralyzingly your other senses. What the holy hell is happening?!?

Sorry, what’s that? You’re too bad ass for all that, you say? You’re tough as nails and would never behave that way if you were under attack? Good for you! I’ll buy you a cookie. Well, I mean, that’s not likely. But someone should totally buy you a cookie for being so brave and more awesome than that. Just stay with me here, alright studmuffin?

Just imagine, really imagine here, that your spouse finds you making savage noises and clawing at your assailant while simultaneously struggling to open the door. Your mate, being the kind, loving, courteous human being they are, runs across the house to your rescue, pulls open the door and shouts “what? what?!? WHAT????!!!!???” Between the flailing and the buzzing in your head and making strange noises and running in circles, you manage to choke out, “get. a. STRAW!”

At this point, I know you’re thinking, “The hell?” What’s this weirdo rambling on about? But I mean, could you IMAGINE? What would your partner do? Would they stare in wonder at your frenzied state? Would they search out this alleged assailant? Would they burst into laughter? Would they calmly, without question, get the straw you hysterically demand? Perhaps they’d do all of the above, in this exact order? Well. Imagine that they did do all of the above – too slowly for your preference, by the damn way – in this exact order, while all the same while you’re still frantically batting away at the seemingly invisible perpetrator, making noises no human should make.

You scream “Suck IT OUT!!!!” and bat crazily at your ear, where apparently, a fly? a bee? OHMYGODITMUSTBEAWASP?!?! is currently taking up space in your ear, buzzing it’s way to your brain, where it’s going to lay eggs and live there forever breeding babies, taking over your cell structure and surely turning you into a crazy fly/bee/FREAKING WASP lady (or man, since you know. We’re imagining here, right?).

Now imagine: your loving spouse/partner/mate/hysterically laughing jerk in front of you, witnessing this horrendous possession, just flat out says “Nope.” What do you mean you won’t suck this brain eating insect from my ear with a straw, you might think? What do you mean you’ll doom me to becoming a crazy weird WASP PERSON?? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, you might wonder. Imagine!

Next, imagine that your darling love suggests using a cotton swab to dig it out.  Would you do it? Would you risk stuffing a Q-tip in your ear, potentially pushing your attacker closer to the very thing it’s trying to take over? Would you do that? Would you?!?

NO! Deny, deny, deny! Don’t do it! Ask your loved one for a different suggestion! Something that SUCKS IT OUT and DOES NOT push it farther into your brain matter! Imagine, now, if you will, that your adoring jerk face tells you to use a vacuum hose to suck it out. Well, that’s certainly reasonable at this point and Hey! There’s an idea you can get behind!

I realize that perhaps I’ve lost you a long time ago to the pretend game, and that’s quite alright. At this point, it would take a complete loss of ones senses to put a vacuum hose to ones ear to suck out a bug. Rational, sane people would never do that, right?

Don’t judge me people. You don’t know!

I took that freaking vacuum hose to my ear and turned it on. No longer did I hear the incessant blaring buzz of this brain sucking wasp anymore, oh, NO. You know what I heard? IMAGINE! Imagine the deafening blare of a vacuum rested right up next to your ear. My ear. It was even more unbearable than the buzzing wasp trying to colonize my brain, if you can imagine that! I couldn’t keep the vacuum hose close enough to get the damn bugger out. I could barely get it near enough to even scare out the assailant. So you know what I did?

What would you do?

Yeah, alright, smarty-pants-stud-muffin-face. I used a Q-tip. And retrieved…

A gnat.

Seriously, though, it was a big gnat!

I believe it would have still set up camp in my brain, though.

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